Correction / Retraction on Assemblies of God Crack-Up

I'm happy to admit when I'm wrong, especially when what I'm wrong about is something like the disturbing news I shared regarding the alleged schism in the Assemblies of God.  General Superintendent of the Assemblies of God, George Wood, sent me an email to set the record straight, with a well deserved admonishment to double check facts before reporting a story such as that.  My apologies to my readers.  While I did do some double checking with local contacts on this account, it was my error for not allow the A/G Headquarters to respond directly to what my sources were accusing.  According the Superintendent Wood,  "Nothing could be further from the truth.  There has never been a resolution to change our views on these matters; and if there were, they would be resoundingly defeated."

In all honesty, I've never been more happy to be wrong.  As I said in my previous post, I'm no longer a member of the Assemblies of God, but I actually have a copy of the 16 fundamental  truths in my house, and hold the positions taken by the Assemblies of God as a standard to judge my own beliefs by, after the Bible of course.  While many churches are being swayed by the false doctrines of the seeker-sensitive movement, I'm very happy to see that it hasn't affected the doctrines of at least one denomination.

Practical Marriage Counselling

If you're a church-going person (and even if you're not), chances are you got some form of marriage counselling from your pastor before he/she agreed to join you in matrimony.  And if you're much like me, you look back and find that marriage counselling session to be woefuilly inadequate for the great challenges you began facing . . . oh . . . about a day after you got back from your honeymoon.  I feel like my session was much better than most people get, and really did equip us for some of the struggles we faced, with very practical, if simple, tools.  My favorite among them, is the deceptively simple, "The way you don't end up getting a divorce is simple: don't get a divorce."

I'm not sure what most churches do, but most that I've seen around here have one conselling session with a pastor, who typically discusses the importance of following God together, and living a biblical life.  Then it's down the aisle you go.  These brief sessions don't scratch the surface of the many issues you will face together.  To remedy this situation, I am proposing a series of Marriage Counselling Sessions, that I hope many of you will adopt in your churches.

1. Session 1 will be held individually with each person, and will be entitled "Men/Women are actually much crazier than you previously thought."  Topics in this session will include what to do with an angry and hormonal wife.  How wives should approach a husband who wants to play video games/ watch sports all the time, and not spend time with them.  Bonus topics will include defensive postures for protecting yourself against flying remote controls and cordless phones.


2. Session 2 brings the couple together to discuss finances, the single greatest cause of marital problems, in a lesson entitled "Women Are Expensive."  Men are very unprepared on their wedding day for the expense of frequent gynecological exams and mall shopping trips.  This lesson aims to familiarize men with what they will face as provider for the family, and help women understand that men rarely have any of these expenses.  Topics include the ridiculous regularity with which women:
   
   
   
   1. Go to the doctor
   
   
   2. Buy shoes
   
   
   3. Buy Makeup
   
   
   4. Buy more clothes to match their new shoes
   
   
   5. Buy more shoes to match the new clothes
   
   
   6. Get medical tests run
   
   
   
   


3. Session 3 delves deeper into financial issues surrounding marriage with a lesson entitled, "No Really . . . Women are Really Very Expensive."  The shady ways in which hospitals and clinics bill multiple times for the same things will be discussed, as long as financial planning help for men to begin early to prepare their budgets for their new-found debt bliss.


4. Session 4 entitled "And just wait until you have . . ." is a relatively short lesson, due to budget constraints of the counsellor.  He didn't have the money to finish this topic on having children.  But the point should be easy to articulate by this time in the limited amount of time you have before your interview for a second job.


5. Session 5 has been cancelled, in order for the counsellor to take on a second job to better pay for his own children and wife.

At this point, the betrothed couple should be marginally better prepared for the circumstances they will soon be facing.  "Oh!" you may say, "but this will discourage young people from getting married!"  Why yes, good friend, I believe you have the point exactly.  If someone gets married after these effective lessons, they are either A) Wealthy enough to circumnavigate most marital problems, or B) Very committed to becoming a Godly couple, and working hard together through touch times.  Either way, you should have no problems marrying them.

This valuable addition to any Pastor's counselling plans is available for the affordable price of 2 pairs of shoes, 1 Doctor's Visit, and 2 Outfits for young children.